Totality Therapy Home Page


Get total with your life.
Get total with your sexuality.

Totality Therapy is for you if you want to get total with your sexuality – if you want to reach the fullness of what your sexuality can take you to. This requires that you live every dimension of your life with totality – that you be fully present with every experience.



It takes immense capacity to hold the fullness of what is possible in your sexuality. This capacity is a direct result of our willingness and ability to feel and experience all of what life brings us.

Being total with yourself does not mean you have to resign your job and dedicate your life to charity. It means fully occupying your life as it is right now, being willing to go to the depth of experience that this moment offers you.

It means taking responsibility for your life.

  On this page:  

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What is totality therapy
significance of sexuality
Why be total


So, what is Totality Therapy?



Totality Therapy is an approach or technique that encourages you to be totally present with whatever your life presents.

Conventional therapy has the following qualities:

  • The aim is to make the client happier, more coherent, integrated and adjusted to his/her environment.

  • The focus is on mental and emotional processing. The body and sexuality is only engaged through mind and emotions, never directly.

  • Boundaries between client and therapist are enforced as ethical and professional principle.

Totality Therapy works as follows:

  • The aim is greater awareness and presence, even if the road seems to go into unhappiness, disintegration and apparent madness.
  • No expression of the person’s being is excluded – mental, emotional, physical, sexual, subtle energetic and spiritual facets are met directly as they present themselves.
  • The practitioner is involved with her whole being while maintaining a state of heightened awareness. Thus no boundaries are needed and the client is encouraged to embody his/her life with totality.

Thus, Totality Therapy is not at all therapy as it is conventionally understood!



Why is the sexual so significant?



1. Eros as a guide into the unconscious

Eros leads to Gnosis. This statement by Plato has proven to be one of his most useful observations. Our eroticism – our sexual impulses, desires and fears – is a guide to deeper understanding/gnosis, particularly of unconscious/hidden aspects of our being. Freud started to explore the hidden meanings of our eroticism in ways that we may not agree with today, but that got the world thinking.

It was Freud’s student Jung who elaborated on the concept of the unconscious. In Totality Therapy, the unconscious is understood as those dimensions of our reality that we are not conscious of – that are suppressed, repressed, hidden, forgotten or in some other way denied. Unconscious patterns grow in us for reasons such as:

  • Childhood shocks: When an infant or child experiences something that is overwhelming or too much to process, he/she will repress the memory. What is repressed goes into the unconscious, and gets manifest in the body – and in our eroticism.

  • Cultural/religious positions: The influence of the collective – the culture, religion or tribe – can cause an individual to deny or repress their own experience in favour of what is acceptable.

  • Moments not fully lived: Even in adulthood, any moments not fully lived, any experiences and emotions not fully felt, become unconscious patterns in us.

Unconscious patterns often determine our actions. Love is the arena where we see this most clearly. How often it is that we behave in ways towards our loved ones that seem to bear no resemblance to the positions we consciously hold.

Our love life is also an area where we see clearly the working of associations – the concept that Pavlov demonstrated so clearly with his dogs. Humans are more adept than dogs at forming associations. The result is that our sexual experiences are most often filtered through associations upon associations.

The most obvious example of this is when a lover needs to conjure up a fantasy while being with a partner in order to ensure orgasm. Conversely, a certain touch, smell or word can pull a lover back into associations that stop all erotic flow.

Totality Therapy has no judgment of fantasy or any other associations. On the contrary, since they are occurring, we can use them as a guide into the unconscious. By unpacking the fantasy – getting a lived sense in the body of where it takes you – it is possible to unravel vast strings of unconscious associations. The result is that you become more present-time with your eroticism in the moment.

What gets revealed through erotic desires and fears affects much more than our sexuality. If sexual responses are conditioned around unconscious control mechanisms in a person’s psyche, the unraveling of these control mechanisms could profoundly affect the way that s/he approaches the boardroom and makes decisions in business.

2. Sexuality and life force

Most people have at some point, even just during one encounter, experienced the rejuvenating effect of the sexual. Ancient Chinese and other oriental cultures have practiced conscious sexuality for thousands of years as a way to build longevity. In the Taoist tradition, sexual energy is seen as the only renewable source of energy in the body, and its cultivation as a way to prolong life indefinitely!

On this site you will over time find many writings about the physiological dynamics that can follow from lovemaking and that literally support the flow of life force through our bodies.

3. Sexuality and presence

The busyness of modern professional lives makes it very difficult to just be present in the moment, to drink in what the moment has to offer, and to rest into it. The result of always rushing to the next moment is exhaustion and a build up of tensions. This in turn affects our productivity and creativity and could ultimately lead to burn-out. In intimate meeting with your loved one, or even in loving yourself, there is an opportunity to perhaps drop into the moment, to be present. The presence of love, intimacy and tenderness can open up and relax the nervous system just that bit more for presence to come flooding in.

Tantra, the ancient art of conscious sexuality from which Totality Therapy derives, is all about building this quality of presence in our sexuality. By practicing the techniques of conscious sexuality, an individual or couple can enter into a whole new experience of the sexual. Conventional sexual encounter happens through the contraction of muscles and organs towards ejaculatory orgasm. While this brings a temporary relief of tension, it also leaves the body exhausted. Conscious sexual practice builds sexual energy in the body through breathing, relaxation, aware touch and the directing of the flow of sexual energy – upwards. Once you have experienced what this does in your body, you are unlikely to choose the conventional way again.


  On this page:  

Page top
What is totality therapy
significance of sexuality
Why be total


Why be Total with your Life


Most of us go through life not being fully present, and wishing that at least half of what we experience we did not have to deal with. This includes everything that

  • Doesn’t fit with our social persona

  • Makes us feel embarrassed or uncomfortable

  • Seems dark, evil, antisocial or bad

  • Makes us feel unhappy

The law of opposites, however, states that everything will in time turn into its opposite. If you strive to be happy, you will also experience being unhappy – at least half the time! I am sure that you have noticed that, despite your best attempts at mind control, this happens.

The approach that Totality Therapy takes is to say Yes to everything. When experiences come that make you feel unhappy, and you really stay with the experience, this will bring beautiful gifts to your life. Every moment that you choose to be present with your experience now, is like a magical prism. The prism opens up into the whole field of similar experiences that you have suppressed. When you let yourself have the experience (say, of whatever has made you unhappy), fully and deeply in this moment, that can lead to the unraveling of an unconscious pattern connected to unhappiness that has been with you for a lifetime. You will notice this when you find yourself being genuinely responsive to situations that peviously only elicited your unconscious reactiveness.

Here is an example. In my life, I have had to sit a lot with all the emotions that go with love being lost or betrayed. The love and the lover were no longer “mine”, and that brought tremendous heartache. I have been determined for quite some time now not to run away from heartache, but to really feel it until it bottoms out. I recently had an experience that showed me how my experience has changed as a consequence: I discovered that my partner at the time had taken another lover. I felt my stomach churn for a minute, and then something really surprising happened: I actually felt happy for my lover that more love had come into his life! I shared this with him, and it brought new depth and warmth to our relationship. Since then I have had contact with his other lovers and there has been a lovely flow between us all. Jealousy has been such a close companion to me all my life – it was almost startling to feel its presence being replaced by this sweetness!

Sexuality is an area where most of us are very reluctant to be total. We may have rich desires in the zone of the erotic, but we are likely to regard most of these as taboo and therefore to be suppressed. Equally, the fears that we develop in the field of sexuality and intimacy can make us run away and never open to the fullness of our sexual possibility.

Totality Therapy facilitates the experience of stepping into every moment – exploring the fullness of your sexuality, and also the depth of your feeling life.

With this approach, even men who have been taught not to feel discover they can access their emotional lives to profound depths.




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